Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
#titanic
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.