Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
seems like a niche market
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.