This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Life hack
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
my proudest tweet
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins