I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive