If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
a public service announcement
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING