Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty