[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.