My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.