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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible