{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.