fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.