I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Weirdly Wednesday.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?