Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot