♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
You Might Also Like
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
A flock of dads is called a grill.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU