When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
You Might Also Like
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
classic mixup
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Bond. Trauma bond.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!