Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….