Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Beware…..
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.