I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body