[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Is your wife single?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.