Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.