1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”