We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.