I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I am all good here, 😂😉
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.