Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That鈥檚 sangria.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
bout dat hot dog summer
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I don鈥檛 need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
barbara was highly relatable
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 馃か
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
adam and eve had first world problems
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
TRES leches?! En esta econom铆a?!
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or