5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea