Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.