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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?