You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
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My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Me irl
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
waiting for halloween be like:
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.