I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual