Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.