I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
😬
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.