A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”