every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers