Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
You Might Also Like
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.