me
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.