Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?