[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
nature’s most graceful animal