4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts