Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
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Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.