I hate when that happens.
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4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat