them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
You Might Also Like
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times