How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
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local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Good Morning.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….