Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
#SCOTUS one-star review
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
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Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes