If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess