person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Good morning
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…