It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Do one person every day that scares you.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal