“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.