Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
⛄️
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Just a friendly reminder!
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.