Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
ok like just. call me at this point
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others