A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.